Caution, this is not for the fainthearted.
This works...I just tried mine. Scary OK, this is just too much!
Can you say "privacy?" As in, "where is our right to it???" I
definitely removed mine. I suggest you all do the same....
Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including
your own! It asks for U.S. info but it works for Canada, too. I just
searched for mine and there it was ... picture and all!
Go to the website and check it out. Just enter your name, City and
province to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the
screen, click the box marked "Please Remove".
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a
firing Squad in a small Central American country.
Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order
to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into
a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled
and Al pondered what his old boss had done. Before the order to shoot was given,
Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the
wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking "I
see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall." As the
firing squad was reassembled and the rifles raised in his direction, he grinned
and yelled, "Fire!"
A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars then
insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his
entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his
first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the
insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a
series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer
sued ... and WON! ... STAY WITH ME.
In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed never the less, that the lawyer
"held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered to be an unacceptable fire", and was obligated to
pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the
insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for the
rare cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance
company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim
and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24
months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place
winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and
shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said "I'd like to buy a bra
for my wife."
What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" "Look around," said the
saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material
imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the
Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you
prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences
between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite
simple...the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts
the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, And the
Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
Bra Sizes: Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F,
G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but
couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became
informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double Dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
****************************
Things that make you go hummmmm?
1.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $4.00 apiece on those little bottles
of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
p :[1]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK.... so if the
Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and the
Tampa
Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs,"
what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why is a person who plays the piano
called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
p :[1]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
p :[1]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final
exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the
mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
p :[1]
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Courtesy of C.J. in S.F. CA, USA
Natural Born Salesman
A young guy from
Texas moves to
California and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in
Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll
come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was
locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How
much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64?! What the
hell did you sell?!"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish
hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I
told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I
sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda
Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold
him that 4X4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat
and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
|
Author
|
Topic: HAPPY ENDING
|
Tony Moujaes
Member
Member # 24
|
posted 07-29-2004
02:39 PM 
She spent the first day packing
her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and
feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
Chardonnay.
When she ! had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the
curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were
checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners
were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which
they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused
to work in the house...The maid ! quit... Finally, they could not take
the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could
not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually,
even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she
missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only
if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the
hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they
watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
....including the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU???? |
|
Courtesy of Caryl, SF
I hope you remember
Abbott and Costello
Updated "Who's on First?
Lou Costello Tries to Buy a Computer from Bud Abbott
ABBOTT (behind the counter at: Super Duper computer store): Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a my proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some
straight answers.OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2. 3 & 4. Can I watch
them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It
pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping, you
have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
... ABBOTT: Click on "START".........
Courtesy of Silva ABZ
Do Housewives have it Easy?
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his
wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear
Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at
home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with
mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure
enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed
their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning,
took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery
shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced
the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was
already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust,
and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and
got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got
the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and
watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and
washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for
supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded
laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and,
though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected
to make love, which he managed to get
through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I
don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to
stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back." The Lord, in his
infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I
will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have
to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."
Voted Women's Favorite Email of the Year
Courtesy of Tony M., Texas
Hazards or opportunities of playing Golf
A husband takes his wife to
play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot
right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there,
find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost
us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice
said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over
the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken
window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a
genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one
wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll
guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady, what do you
want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the
world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from
fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison,
"what's your wish, genie?"
" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in
more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband
looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune,
and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours
of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and
asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"Really? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"
Courtesy of Andre K, Paris
If you yelled
for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to
heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly
seems worth it.)
If you
farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create
the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now
that's more like it!)
The human
heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30
feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my
next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach
will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still
not over the pig.)
Banging
your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try
this at home,maybe at work)
The male
praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The
female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey,
I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea
can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a
football field.
(30
minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The
catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What
could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions
mate over 50 times a day.
(I still
want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something
I always wanted to know.)
The
strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're
ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants
are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that
would be a good thing)
A cat's
urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder
who was paid to figure that out?)
An
ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know
some people like that.)
Starfish
have no brains.
(I know
some people like that too.)
Polar
bears are left-handed.
(If they
switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and
dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What
about that pig??)
Now that
you've smiled at least once, it's your
turn to
spread these crazy facts and send this to
someone
you want to bring a smile to (maybe
even a
chuckle)...In other words, send it to
everyone.
******************
Riding a "Dead Horse"
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota
Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, "When you discover
that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
However, in government, education, and in corporate America, more
advanced liberal strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead
horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly,
carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the
bottom line of the economy than do other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course,
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Courtesy of Pia, Paris
HEAVEN AND HELL
While walking
down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.
His soul
arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to
Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We
seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what
to do with you."
"No problem,
just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd
like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one
day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"There's no
need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry
but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator,
and he goes down, down, down into Hell.
The doors
open, and he finds himself in the middle of a beautiful Green golf course. In
the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in formal dress.
They run to greet him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting
rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then
dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present
is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and
telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it
is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator
goes up, up, and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter waiting for him ..
"Now it's
time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a
group of contented Souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and
singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have
gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you've
spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want
to spend eternity."
He reflects
for a minute and then answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean
Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."
So Saint
Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell.
Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, and the
odor is just horrible. Sweltering hot… hot and miserable.
The Devil
comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder. "I don't
understand," stammers the senator. "The day before yesterday I was here, and
there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage, and my
friends look miserable."
The Devil
looks at the senator, smiles and says, "Day before yesterday we were campaigning
.......... today you voted for us."
Courtesy of Suzan...
Men’s Rules
Finally, the guys' side
of the story.
We
always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the
male side. These are Men's rules! Please note, these are all Numbered "1".
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If
it's up put it
down. We
need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going
to think of it
that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
*Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!
1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how
you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it,
just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just
not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such*topics as sports, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to
sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like
camping. Pass this to as many men as you
can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an
education!!
Peace on Earth, MAYBE
Courtesy of George el Rahbani
Only in Japan...
Courtesy of Andre in Paris
The Secret to a better Sermon
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded
to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the
door:
1)
Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2)
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3)
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4)
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)
Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7)
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the
spook.
8)
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the be-jesus out of him.
9)
When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it
for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
|
Author
|
Topic: ALGEBRA = AL
GABER |
Victoria
Member
Member # 26
|
posted 12-30-2003
12:27 PM
At New York's Kennedy airport
today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was
arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning
press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the
man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged
by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a
fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means
and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute
value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to
themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to
every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest,
President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of
math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am
gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on
protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us
with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on
every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the
circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and
draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math
instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a
scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power
and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex." Attorney General
Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is
one principle he is certain of: though they continue to multiply, their
days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
Posts: 250 | From: San
Jose, CA, USA | Registered: Mar 2001 | IP:
Logged |
|
Courtesy of Suzan
The Reporter and the Farmer
The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to
collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you
offer any reason for this >disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull
mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new
piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon
and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what
about >getting to the point?"
The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was
playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year,
wouldn't you get mad?"
*
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* Christmas * *
* *
*
*
*
*
* *
* *
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked
it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, "They're bells" .
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do
those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
Courtesy of Andre K, Paris
The Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was
rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean
up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John
quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my
rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
************
Digital Camera for Sale
Looking for a real bargain?? Need to sell my
digital camera. Will sell cheap!!!!!
I don't need the camera any longer as I will be in the hospital for an
extended period.
click here to view
of the overall picture quality. Interested?
Courtesy of Samia C.
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. "Where'd we
get him?" he asked his mom.
His mother, who recognized the wonderful gift of life as coming from God,
replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny."
Johnny replied, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!"
******************************
Courtesy of Sandy M.
Courtesy of Silva A.
Lessons in Logic
If your father is a poor man, it is your fate but, if your
father-in-law is a poor man, it's your stupidity.
I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others
here for?
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman - -
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.
Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.
"Your future depends on your dreams" ... So go to sleep
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning
"Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk
"Work fascinates me" I can look at it for hours
God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. why learn.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say........
<http://g.msn.com/8HMBENUS/2746??PS=>
*********************
What a man is waiting for:!
A
woman who is a perfect "10"
A
woman who can cook like his mother.
A
woman who keeps a clean house.
A
woman who does not nag.
A
woman who can stretch a dollar.
A
woman who can work all day
and
dance all night.
A
woman who will love only him.
He
is still waiting!!!
***************************************
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|
Author
|
Topic: laughs
....laughs......laughs... |
Victoria
Member
Member # 26
|
posted 05-14-2003
03:19 PM
A blonde calls Delta Airlines
and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco
to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
_____________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
__________________________________________________
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken
casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water.
And then you dump the stock.
_______________________________________________
New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married
couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead...
___________________________________________
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets
the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those
pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by
buying me a drink."
___________________________________________
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
__________________________________________________
A woman's perfect breakfast:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
________________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is
feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor
used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
______________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
_____________________________________________________
If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute?
The one that's labeled "IDAHO"
______________________________________________________
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, 'I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "******* !" afterwards.
Posts: 190 | From: San
Jose, CA, USA | Registered: Mar 2001 | IP:
Logged |
|
Courtesy of Mona,
Time Up!
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to
the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God,
she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2
months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
and have
a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone
come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live,
she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the
hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you
said I had
another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the
ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
|
Author
|
Topic: Beer !
|
Victoria
Member
Member # 26
|
posted 04-22-2003
02:45 PM
Subject: OIL CHANGE
>Oil Change Instructions for Women:
>1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since last
oil
>change.
>2) Drink a cup of coffee or read through magazine.
>3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
>vehicle.
>Money spent:
>Oil Change $20.00
>Coffee $1.00
>Total $21.00.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Oil Change instructions for Men:
>
>1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for
> oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
>2) Discover that the used oil container is full so instead of taking
> it back to auto store to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
>3) Open a beer and drink it.
>4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
>5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. Jack car up.
>6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
>7) Place drain pan under engine.
>8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
>9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
>10) Unscrew drain plug.
>11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: Gets hot oil
> on you in process.
>12) Clean up mess.
>13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
>14) Look for oil filter wrench.
>15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and
> twist off.
>16) Drink Beer.
>17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish
> oil change tomorrow.
>18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from under car.
>19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
>21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
>22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
of oil to gasket surface.
>23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
>25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the
> back yard, along with drain plug.
>27) Drink beer.
>28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
>29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
>30) Drink beer.
>31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang
> knuckles on frame.
>32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step ! 31.
>33) Begin cussing fit.
>34) Throw wrench.
>35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit
> Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
>36) Drink Beer.
>37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as
> required to stop blood flow.
>38) Drink Beer.
39) Drink Beer.
>40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>41) Drink Beer.
>42) Lower car from jack stands.
>43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
>44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to
> fresh oil spilled during step 23.
>45) Drink Beer.
>46) Test drive car.
>47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under
> the influence.
>48) Car gets impounded.
>49) Make bail.
>50) Get car from impound yard.
>Money spent:
>Parts $50.00
>Beer $25.00
>DUI $2500.00
>Impound fee $75.00
>Bail $1500.00
>Total $4150.00
>But, BY GOD, you know the job was done right!
Posts: 182 | From: San
Jose, CA, USA | Registered: Mar 2001 | IP:
Logged |
|
Courtesy of Nabil
CHILI JUDGE
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Recently I was honored to be selected, as an outstanding
'Famous Celebrity' in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one
else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last
moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges, who were native Texans, that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili #1: Mike's
Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway with it. It took me two beers to put the
flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra
beers when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs
more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red
peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this
nuclear-waste I'm eating.
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick.Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my
eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It
really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Fuck
those rednecks!
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions
and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a freeking grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit
to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it is just too painful. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili,
safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK:
(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report.)
******************
"Discount"
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried
faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain
yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length
of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female
brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone
wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group,"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
****************************
This is cute. Can vouch from experience.
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech
startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you
can't come in here."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the
engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
signing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and
escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires
running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer
becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going
great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators.
The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room.
There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should
never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now." Satan shouts
back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are
YOU going to find a lawyer?"
#1 Rule(s)
This is funny - true for the most part but still funny... We always
hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male
side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving
it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all
comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what
mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Waiting
Two old women (much, much older than we are), were sitting on a bench waiting
for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting
here so long, my butt fell asleep! "The other woman turned to her and
said, "I know! I heard it snoring!"
Grandpa & Grandma
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a
bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked the son about
using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you should take one;
they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa."$10.00 a
pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try
one, and I'll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00
bill."
The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa,
"I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.""I know," said Grandpa. "The
hundred is from Grandma."
Signs
On a Septic Tank Truck sign: "We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door "To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck "Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in
and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station, "Tank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in
town to take a leak."
**************************
WHY WE LOVE KIDS
NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
HONESTY: My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell
me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little
smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a
few days ago.
OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher
a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are
not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP: A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the
jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her
mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you
right now. She's hitting the bottle."
MORE NUDITY: A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy
before?"
POLICE # 1: While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a policeman?" "Yes," I answered and
continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I
should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie
my shoe?"
POLICE # 2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in
front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and
then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly
the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of
false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of
questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe
this!"
DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear
that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a
headache the next morning."
DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling
that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The
minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be
unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL: A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm
just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and
they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as
he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.
He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had
been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" >>
*************************************************
I think you are going to like this policy
Updated Employee Handbook-Effective Immediately
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag We
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a
raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If You are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired
you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time
every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec.
25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made
to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently
leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse.
However, we require at least two Weeks notice as it is your duty to train your
own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In
the future, We will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go From 8:00 to 8:20,
employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20to 8:40 and so on. If
you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until
the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may
swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this
exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in
the stalls. At the end of Three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin
board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat
more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch
to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and
take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
**********************************
It all depends on your
perspective
Three wishes
Women are clever creatures. Don't mess with them
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods she went
onto the woods for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her "If you
release me from this trap I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog. The frog said "Thank you but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for
your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That will be
ok."
For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You realise that this will make your husband the most
handsome man in the world, an Adonis that women will flock to." The woman
replied, "That will be ok because I will be the most beautiful woman in the
world and he will only have eyes for me." So KAZAM - she's the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish she wanted to be the richest woman in the world and the
frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will
be ten times richer than you." The woman replied, "That will be ok because
what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So KAZAM - she's the richest woman
in the world!
The frog then enquired about her third wish and she answered: "I'd like
a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever creatures. Don't mess with them.
Courtesy of Andre
One wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden,
he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head
and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be
faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do
it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and
glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they
are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean
when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
***********************************
Courtesy of Victoria
Playing Hooky
A blonde, a brunette, and a
redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home
early. "Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll
never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets
some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home
to find her husband in bed with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal evening time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught!!!!!."
Courtesy al Mukhtar
Communication Gap?
A lady found out her dog
could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the
problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from re-occurring, she should
go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in its ears once a
month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the
register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms,
don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under
my arms."
The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of
days." The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either and if you must
know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says, "Stay off your
bicycle for a week."
Courtesy of Walid Dahdouh as it appeared in L'Orient / Le Jour
With this sign, you have a 50 % chance of reaching your
destination... Good Luck.
Courtesy of Nabil
See what happens!
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a dirty,
shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted a $5 bill and asked,
"If I gave you this money, would you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped
drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Would you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need anything I can get just
to stay alive."
"Would you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you
NUTS!!?? I haven't played golf for 20 years!"
The man said, "I'm not going to give you $5. I'm going to bring you to my
home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you? I know I'm
dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up
drinking, gambling, and playing golf".
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Topic: New
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courtesy of Grace H.
It must be ...???
The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast
and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he
asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't
have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and the Pope took the
wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH. WHAM!
The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rear view mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.
When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call
in. The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY
important person pulled over and I need to know what to do. "
The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again? "
The trooper said, "No, even more important. :
" It isn't Governor Jeb Bush is it? " asked the chief.
"No, even more important, " replied the trooper. "
It isn't President George Bush, is it? "
"No, " replied the trooper, "even more important. "
"Well, WHO the HECK is it? " screamed the chief.
The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure, but I think it might be Jesus,
because his chauffeur is the Pope! "
Courtesy of Angie A.
I knew it! Women were created
first!!!!
Hey guys, This is for
all the sexism in the world - it's pretty funny as well so ENJOY!
Angie A.
Eve calls out to God...
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man Lord?"
"A flawed creature with many bad traits, he'll lie, cheat, and be vain; all in
all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger and faster, and will like
to hunt and kill things. He'll be witless and revel in childish things, like
fighting and kicking a ball about. He looks silly when he is aroused, but since
you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your
physical needs. He won't be too smart, so he'll need your advice to think
properly."
"Sounds great" says Eve, with a raised eyebrow. "So, what's the catch?"
"Well,.....you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...So you'll have to let
him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret..."
"You know, woman to woman."
Courtesy of
Nabil
Wrong email address
An Illinois lady left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation
in Florida. Her husband was on a business trip and was planning to meet
her there the next day.
When she reached her hotel, she decided to send her husband a quick
email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which she had written his
email address, she did her best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, she missed one letter and her note was directed instead
to an elderly widow, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on
the screen:
DEAREST HONEY: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR
ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
From:
Matar, George
Subject: How teaching Math Changes
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of
the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality
of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. The set "C", the cost of
production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a
subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What
is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and
his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think
of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after
answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the
logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120.
How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $600?
A Smart Blonde
Courtesy of Victoria...
A blonde walks into a bank
in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to
Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer
says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands
over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in
front of the bank, she has the
title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral
for the loan.
The bank's president and
its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as
collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive
the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde
returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The
loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you
were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What
puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies...."
Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde
joke
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that
she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the middle of her first term as
Senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on
the phone and immediately starts screaming; "How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could
you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is
all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible
whisper, he says,
"Who is this?"
Why Men Die Early? Courtesy of Nabil
Courtesy of Walid Dahdouh
Blonde
Joke
A blonde was driving home after a Redskins game (Notice this Barney), and got
caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next
day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so
he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail
pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got
down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe.
Nothing happened. She blew a little harder
and still nothing happened. Her
roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?”
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes
and said, “HELLLLO”... “You need to roll up the windows”
| Marriage in the Animal Kingdom > |
|
Shocked > > |
|
Subject:
Things women need to know!
TO
WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH:
1)
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need
it down. You don't hear us whining about you leaving it down.
2) ALL men see in only 16
colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
3) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act
like soap opera guys.
4) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We
refuse to answer.
5) Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair.
6) One of the big reason guys fear getting married is that married women always
cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
7) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if we can find the perfect present yet again!
8) If you ask a question you
don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
9) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
10) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
11)
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.
12)
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
13)
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
14)
You have enough clothes.
15)
You have too many shoes.
16)
Crying is blackmail.
17)
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work.
18)
Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
19)
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the
calendar.
20)
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
21)
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be good at
choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
22)
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
23)
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do.
24)
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
25)
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
26)
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or a
war flick where it doesn't matter what the #@&!* they're saying
anyway.
27)
Check your oil.
28)
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29)
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
30)
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
31)
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
32)
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
33)
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but
not both.
34)
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
35)
If it itches, it will be scratched.
36)
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
37)
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
38)
We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on
the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like
camping!
From the Shweir Bulletin Board
| Author |
Topic:
Telephone To Heaven |
ABBOUT
Member |
posted
12-07-2001 08:06 PM
I really loved this one...those of u
who have ever been to lebanon,or who live in lebanon, will agree with this
one.
A man decided to write a book about
famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write
about famous American cathedrals. So he bought a plane ticket and went to
New Orleans. He was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a
golden telephone hanging on the wall with a sign $10,000 per call.
The man, intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone
was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and
that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the priest and went
along his way.
Next stop was in Italy. There, at a
very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign
under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in the
USA and he asked a nearby nun what it's purpose was. She told him that it
was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
"O.K., thank you", said the man. He then traveled to France,
Sweden, Germany, Syria, Israel... and in every church he saw the same golden
telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
Finally, the American arrived to
Lebanon, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the
sign under it read "10 cents per call." The man was surprised, so
he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over the
world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told
that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere else the price was
$10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
Abouna Tanios smiled and answered, "You're in Lebanon now, son. It's a
local call".
|
Courtesy of Nabil
Sometimes...
Ahh, The perks of being over 50
1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4) People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7) Things you buy now won't wear out.
8) You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10) You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
11) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14) You sing along with the elevator music.
15) Your eyes won't get much worse.
16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather
Service.
18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
20) You can't remember who sent you this.
Funny Arabic Names:
Courtesy of Victoria Mapar
I have this attachment and would like to insert it as a topic.
I have it as a word and a jpg file.
Let me know if you can attach it? These are really funny
names.
Courtesy of George
Making your wish come true...
Two men are driving through
Houston, Texas when they get pulled over
by a Houston
Police Officer. The cop walks up and taps on the
window with
his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the
cop smacks
him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in Houston, Texas boy. When we pull
you over,
you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around
here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.
He
gives
the
guy
his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and
taps
on the
window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop
smacks
him
on
the head with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The
cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The
passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The
cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna
say
to
your
buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that stunt with
me!"
Courtesy of Hilda
Life University
A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE
UNIVERSITY, BECOMING A REAL MAN.
That's right, in just six quarters, you too, can be a real man.
The program outline:
FIRST YEAR - Fall Schedule
MEN 101 - Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 - You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 - PMS- Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 - We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas
Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 - Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 - Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4AM
MEN 112 - Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
MEN 113 - Get a Life, Learn to Cook
Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 - How NOT To Act Like an Asshole When
You're Wrong
MEN 121 - Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 - YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 - Reasons to Give Flowers
SECOND YEAR - Fall:
SEX 101 - You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 - Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 - How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 - How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 - The Remote Control: Overcoming Your
Dependency
MEN 211 - How Not to Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 - You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 - Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially naked
Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 - Omitting @#%~&*! From Your
Vocabulary
MEN 221 - Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is Not Necessary
MEN 222 - Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 - Thirty Minutes of Begging is Not Considered Foreplay.
Now in all fairness... Equal Time for Real Women Classes... any
suggestions???
*********************************
New
Office Terminology
TERMS TO ADD TO YOUR VOCABULARY FOR THE 2001 OFFICE
:
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group
discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager, who
flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
SALMON DAY - The experience of
spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the
end.
CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used
among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he
or she is within earshot is a huge CLM.
OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule
fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine
art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of
dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is
Bridget, my ... um, friend."
BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise
and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out
obsessively.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with
cubicles.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always
seem to have their idea generators running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired
generation's answer to the Couch Potato.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone
yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over
the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into
when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the
kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two
Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a
signal to a satellite.
STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived
first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems
to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card
that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from
extensive use.
TOURISTS: People who take
training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: "We had
three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being
totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track
record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips =
hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the
problem's in your chips or your salsa."
G.O.O.D. Job - A
"Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay
off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and
media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching
them. The O.J. trials, Ally
McBeal, Monica Lewinsky,
Survivor, Temptation Island, etc.
DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being
fired. Heard on the voice mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer
firm: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please
dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing
hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands.
For instance, the warm re-boot for a computer involves simultaneously pressing
the Control key, the Alt key and the Delete key. Sometimes referred to as the
"THREE-FINGERED SALUTE."
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The
ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to
split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are
yuppie food stamps."
ASSMOSIS - The process by which
some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
*********************************
"Spaghetti"
An attorney was having an affair with his secretary.
Shortly after wards, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the secretary a sum of
money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she
asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write
"spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the
child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do,
the secretary took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the attorney's
life called him at the office and explained,
"Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the
mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what
it means." The attorney said, "Just wait until I
get home, and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening the attorney came home, read the
postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic
stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what
trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read:
"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti -
two with sausage and meatballs, two
without."
| Author |
Topic:
Oldie but Goodie |
George
Matar
Administrator |
posted
06-25-2001 12:48 PM
I have a little time on my hand so here's a joke that I like.
In one of those little towns, the Usher of the movie theatre, let us
say Cinema Roxy, walks to the middle of the theatre checking the
audience. To his surprise he sees a man spread over three seats:
“Hey Mr… Could you just sit on one seat? You paid for one seat
only”
The man looks at the usher with the edge of his eye without moving his
head.
“Hey Mr. I am talking to you, you are allowed one seat only!!!”
Same results..
“Look Buddy, if you don’t straighten up and sit on one seat I’ll
have to ask you to leave”
The Man moves his eyeballs and mumbles.
“That’s it!! Out of the theatre”
Same eyes movement.
Feeling he’s losing his patience, the usher goes out and brings back
the police.
“Okay Buddy what’s your name” Said the Sheriff.
“E E E E Ed” the man whispered
“Hmmm Ed! So where did you come from Ed?” asked the sheriff.
“the bal bal balco the balcony”.
Salim Bou Chebl send me this a couple of years ago...it still is
funny.
|
Courtesy of Nabil
The Only Logical thing to do...
Two nuns went out to sell cookies.
They were known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and Sister Logical(SL). It was
getting dark, though, and they were still far away from their convent.
SL: "Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
half-hour?"
SM: "Yes, I wonder what he wants."
SL: "It's logical. He wants to rape us."
SM: "Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
most. What can we do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk
faster."
SM: "It's not working."
SL: "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He
started to walk faster too."
SM: "So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
minute."
SL: "The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll
go this way. He cannot follow us both." So the man decided to
follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what had
happened to Sister Logical. Just then Sister Logical arrived.
SM: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so
he followed me."
SM: "Yes, yes! But what happened then?"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could."
SM: "And?"
SL: "The only logical thing happened. He caught up to me."
SM: "Oh, dear! What did you do?"
SL: "The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up."
SM: "Oh, Sister! What did the man do?"
SL: "The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants."
SM: "Oh, no! What happened then?"
SL: "Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster
than a man with his pants down........"
(And you thought it would be dirty! Say two "Hail Mary's" for
impure thoughts.)
Courtesy of Hilda who prefaced this with "I
do not agree with all , but some are interesting!"
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW! TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
Thank you Hilda
Another Duck story... the first between an Irishman and an Englishman...
this one with a Texas Twist...
| Author |
Topic:
Small Claim Courts in Texas |
George
Matar
Administrator |
posted
05-15-2001 07:43 AM
A big-city, California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He
shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the
other side of
a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove
up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded,
”I
shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve
it.”
The old farmer replied. “This is my property, and you are not
coming over here.” The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best
trial
attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll
sue you
and take everything you own.” The old farmer smiled and said,
“Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in this here state. We
settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked,
”What is the Texas three-Kick Rule?” The farmer replied. “Well,
first I
kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on back
and forth, until
someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local
custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into
the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick !
nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on
his belly when
the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet, “Now
it’s my turn.” (I love this........)
The farmer smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have your damn
duck.”
|
Ghassan Z assures us that:
"... I did not have sex
with THAT woman..."
Courtesy of Anwar
The following is from an advertisement in an
Irish Newspaper.
Read text first, then click on the link to see the photo.
* 1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
* Only 15 km
* Only first gear and reverse used
* Never driven hard
* Original tires
* Original brakes
* Original fuel and oil
* Only 1 driver
* Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
* Photo Attached
Click
here to view photo
Courtesy of George Matar
Ferrari vs Moped (Vespa)
A hip young man goes out and buys the best
car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in
the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin. While
stopped at a red light, an old man (about 75 years old) on a moped (vespa)
pulls up next to him. He looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man
replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so
much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!"
states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a
look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner.> >
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then sitting back on his moped, he says,
"That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my
moped!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the
old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it
could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much
faster!!!! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!"
he asks. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then,
up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the
moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at
275 mph. Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his
mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of
this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to
320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the moped
bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can
do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the
rear. The young man jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my word! Is there>
anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath,
"Unhook ... my suspenders...from your ... side-view mirror."
Courtesy of Nabil and Hilda simultaneously...
"Grandma's
Letter"
I got a letter from Grandma the other day
She writes...
Dear Grandchild,
The other day I went up to a local Christian
bookstore and saw a honk "if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was
feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling
choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the
sticker and put it one my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did!
What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
about the Lord and how good he is... and I didn't notice the light had
changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTs of people love Jesus! Why,
while I was sitting there, the guy behind starting honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO!
GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people. I share in the celebration.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling
something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with
only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably some Hawaiian
good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I
leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst
out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of people were so caught up in the
joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards
me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when
I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got though
the intersection before the light changed again. I felt kind of sad that I had
to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down,
leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one
last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Sincerely,
Your Loving Grandmother
Courtesy of
Hilda
Lawyers Jokes
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had
narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a
lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two
plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four,
plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently
for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed,
conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better
students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go
about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey
to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title,
claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind,
juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to
bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with
and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or
hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind
whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...
'"
* * *The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the
accumulation
of
learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year
students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates.
Courtesy of Nabil
And you thought you had a bad day...
Needing a second opinion
A man brought a very limp dog into the
veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his
stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a
moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but
your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How
can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another
opinion!"
With that, the vet turned and left the room.
In a few moments, The vet returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever
went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a
considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said
"Bark." The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and
returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the
poor dog on the table. As had his predecessor, the cat sadly shook his head
and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the
room.
The veterinarian handed the man a bill
for $600. The dog's owner went ballistic. "$600! Just to tell me my dog
is dead? This is outrageous!" The vet shook his head sadly and
explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been
$50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan it gets very costly..."
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during
a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of
the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do
you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker
room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in
preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life,
that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those
same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes
lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's best
"come-back" award and will no doubt win it.
Courtesy of Anwar
Definition
of Easter
Three blondes died and are at the pearly
gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they
can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is
Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in
November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde
the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is
the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and
celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde,
shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his
glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and
looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian
holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus
and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived
and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to
be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns,
and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a
nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles
broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every
February the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he
sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
The
Fairy Godmother
Courtesy
of Cori
A man and his wife were celebrating their 25th anniversary, both at the
age of 50.
A fairy godmother came to congratulate them both and to grant them
each one wish.
The fairy godmother turned to the wife and asked', “What is your
wish?”
The wife thought for a second and replied, “I Would like a world
tour.”
The fairy godmother waved her wand, and the wife was holding two world
cruise line tickets in her hand.
Then the fairy godmother turned to the husband and asked, “What
would you like?”
The man thought for a second and replied, "I would like a wife 30
years younger than me."
The fairy godmother smiled, waved her wand, and the man was 80 years
old.
Courtesy
of Hilda
Sex & the Moon
GUARANTEED
TO MAKE YOU SMILE.....
ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG
WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON, HIS FIRST WORDS
AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,"
WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK
"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET
COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN
EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD
LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
N
JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A
SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO
ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO
NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
>>
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL
WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL,
WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE
MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG
ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. "SEX! YOU
WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
>>TRUE STORY. >>
Courtesy of Fr. Dcn. Ihsan Bou Sauder
Life's perception
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other
was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was
too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed
to be turned up.
Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the
other a doom & gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the
twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable
toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure. That
night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his
new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you crying?" the father
asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read
all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll
constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,"
answered the pessimistic twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him
dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy
about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got
to be a pony in here somewhere!"
Courtesy of al Mukhtaar
Forever In Love
An elderly gent was invited to his old
friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his
buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-calling her
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years,
and they were still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the
kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, "I think it's
wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call your
wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head. "I have to
tell you the truth," he said. "I forgot her name about ten years
ago."
Courtesy of Hilda
Attracted by the
Light
In the backwoods of West Virginia, a
redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was
called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the
doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here you hold this
high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was
brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't
be such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one
coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!",
said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby
girl. "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's
yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in
bewilderment and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light
that's attractin' 'em????"
Courtesy of Nabil Matar
Drinks & Personalities
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if
they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though
interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to
earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky,
whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more
refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll
send you a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White
Zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet
giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with
friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy,
thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy
target.
Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with
frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening.
Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the male addendum. The deal
with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get
laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants
to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will
give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about
anything but getting laid.
Tequilla: He is thinking he has a chance
with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to
get laid).
***********************************
THE BELL CURVE OF SUCCESS
At age 4....success is....not peeing in your
pants.
At age 12...success is....having friends.
At age 16...success is....having a drivers license.
At age 20...success is....having sex.
At age 35...success is....having money.
At age 50...success is....having money.
At age 60...success is....having sex.
At age 70...success is....having a drivers license.
At age 75...success is....having friends.
At age 80...success is....not peeing in your pants.
It's called a bell curve...
Subject: Why Friends Send
Jokes
Sometimes, we wonder why friends send jokes
to us without writing a word. Maybe this could explain:
When you are very busy, but still want to
keep in touch guess what you do -- you forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want
to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't
know what, and don't know how, You forward jokes.
To let you know that: you are still
remembered, you are still important, you are still loved you are still cared
for, you are still wanted, Guess what you get?
A forwarded joke from me.
So next time you get a joke, don't think
that I have sent you just a joke, but that I have thought of you today and
wanted to send you a smile.
Here one you might like.
***************************************
Subject: BABIES
The Fosters were unable to have children and
decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy
father was to arrive, Mr. Foster kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The
man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a
door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. You don't know me
but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Foster cut
in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a
specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Foster, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs.
Foster.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
sure."
"Don't I know!!", Mrs. Foster exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby
pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown
London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Foster exclaimed, tugging at her sweater.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with." "I am afraid so," said
the photographer. "The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I
could hardly concentrate."
"I see," said Mrs. Foster.
"Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to
work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Foster looked extremely worried.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam?
Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
***************************************
"You know you're a
Redneck when" ...
You take your dog for a walk and you both
use the same tree.
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a
flyswatter.
Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a
loved one.
You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
it.
You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas
dinner.
You had romantic thoughts when you heard sheep bleat.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made
it.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer
quota.
Your richest relative buys a new house and calls you up to help him take the
wheels off.
You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the
side.
The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you
home.
A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
improvement.
You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65mph.
Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them
out to see what it is.
The following is courtesy of IHJ (Sam)
Bosauder, New Zealand. Author Unknown.
Mail
"A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little
later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it,
slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something
wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"."
Courtesy of George
Matar
For all of you chemistry Buffs, this is an Oldie but a goodie
This is another version to an earlier one entitled "New elements
for the Periodic table"
Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:
Element
Name:
WOMANIUM
Symbol:
WO
Atomic Weight: (don't
even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at
nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very
bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses
strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when
left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns
slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage:
Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution:
Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
> ------------------------------------------------<
Element
Name:
MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic
Weight:
(180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,
but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult
to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create
electricity as easily as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any
chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes
explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of
time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage:
None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce
large quantities on command.
Caution:
In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
Courtesy of Nabil
Matar
Have a rich day
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night." I
realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house. "Don't
worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in
for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on
their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months
later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few
minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was from the attorney
of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?" "Yes I do." "Did you happen to get up
in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a
visit?" "Yes." Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out." I have to admit that I did." "And did you
happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face
turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why
do you ask? "She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
***************************************
Subject: Blonde Joke
A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate, so she eases over onto the
shoulder, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two
women in trench coats, who stand at the rear of the vehicle facing the
on-coming traffic, and begin opening and closing their coats slowly, exposing
themselves to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups occurs. It's not very long
before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde
yelling, "What the hell is going on here?" "My car broke
down," says the blonde, calmly. "And, what are these perverts doing
here by the road?" screams the cop. "Well, duh," replies
the blonde, "they're my emergency flashers."
***************************************
Subject: Chemistry lesson
The following is reputedly an actual question given
on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, and is now
making its way around the Internet.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law, gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed, or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into
Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions
state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to
expand as souls are added. This allows two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the
postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year that,
"... it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take
into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual
relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and will not freeze"
The student received the only "A" given.
Courtesy of George & Janice Matar
A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse
brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby
boy! "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new
parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at
his new baby boy and says, "Well,two Wong's don't make a white, so I
think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
Here is something for your enjoyment, Yes
another blond Joke, courtesy of a honorary Shweiry, Mounif Najjar
Courtesy of Salim Bou-chebl
Subject: Election
Japan just sent us 50,000,000 cases of Viagra.
They heard that our entire country can't get an election.
Courtesy of Cori
Kenicer
Finally, a Gore golf
joke...... Now it's "Gore" instead of
"fore"...?!?!?
A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being
sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of
"FORE". Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to
call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace
the ball in the same spot and hit it again.
The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball
is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the
time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.
This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA, but proponents
say it is only fair.
A test of this new rule was recently played out in an
exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 7
days to complete!!!
Courtesy of George Matar
Courtesy of Nabil and George Matar
Click on thumb Nail to enlarge 
A young guy from Texas moves to
California and goes to a big department > store looking for a job. The
manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." > Well, the
boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did he said.
His first day on the job was rough
but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?" Kid says,"One." The
boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How
much was the sale for?" Kid says "$101,237.64" Boss says
"$101,237.64? What in the world did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small
fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish
hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was
going fishing and he said down at the coast so I told him he was gonna need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine
Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it
so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish
hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in
here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your
weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing."
Once upon a time there was a shepherd tending his
sheep at the edge of a country road. A brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee screeches
to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit,
Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and Jovial Swiss wrist watch, gets out and
asks the shepherd: "If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me
one of them?"
The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at
the sprawling field of sheep and says: "Okay." The young man
parks the SUV, connects his notebook and wireless modem, enters a NASA site,
scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled
with algorithms, then prints a 150 page report on his high tech mini printer.
He then turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586
sheep here." The shepherd answers: "That's correct, you can
have your sheep." The young man takes one of the animals and puts
it in the back of his vehicle. The shepherd looks at him and asks: "Now,
if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind?"
The young man answers: "Sure." The shepherd says: "You
are a consultant." "Exactly! How did you know," asks the young
man?
Very simple, answers the shepherd. "First,
you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee
to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand
anything about my business and I'd really like to have my dog back."
Courtesy of Ghassan Zghaib - - Voting for Dummies Manual
Courtesy of Nabil Matar...
ONLY IN TEXAS Cow Wash
this is doing the rounds in London today...watch out, they're
coming !!
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced with immediate effect.
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum". Check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have
been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really i!
sn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is
only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the
girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping
to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for
"shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
10. Please tell us who killed ! JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Courtesy of Elie Helou,
monsieur george, read this, pretty funny.
One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a haircut. After the
cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the Barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot
accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy
and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber
replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the
Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts
waiting at his door.
A Lebanese goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the
barber replies: 'I >am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a
Community >Service'. The Lebanese of course is very happy and leaves
the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess
what he finds there..... A Dozen Lebanese guys waiting for a free haircut.
Courtesy of Walid Khayrallah
LATEST ON CELL PHONES!
An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing
one day and are at the 3rd hole when they hear a phone ring. The American
excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left little finger to his
mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks
at the other two and says "Oh, this is the latest American technology in
cellular phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my little finger and the
antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?"
They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again,
they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to
have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the
other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip
in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah, the
wonders of German superior know-how!"
At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing
it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes The German and the
American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the
middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down
around his ankles, with a roll of toilet paper shoved up his rear
end. "What on earth are you doing?" asks the
American. The Japanese fellow looks up and replies, "Waiting for a
fax".
Courtesy of Nabil Matar
This Fresh from London
Marriage as defined by a man:
Marriage is the number one cause of divorce,
Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with a marriage!
I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was
"Always"
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months, I hate to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
God created woman, Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping, on Bond street, and
said:" I haven't eaten anything in four days" She looked at him
and sais:"God,I wish I had your willpower"
What is the punishment of Bigamy? Tow mothers-in-law.
A man inserted an "ad" in the classified:"Wife
wanted" Next day he received a hundred lettres. All letters
said the same thing:"You can have mine"
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly):"My wife is an angel !" Second
guy:"You're lucky, mine is still alive."
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you
say: talk in your sleep.
I understand the man who said:"I never knew what real happiness was,
until I got married; and then it was too late".
Marriage is the most expensive way to get your laundry done for
free...
Well Mrs Moooon, Don't you agree? and if not why not??
"Not now kid, can't you see I am
busy?!"
Courtesy of Maria K.
A beautiful woman with two red ears went to her
doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. And she
answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang-but instead of picking
up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in
disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"That son-of-a-bitch called back."
Courtesy of Suheil Baaklini
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to
help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that
they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head
monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the
first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the
copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk
went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the
original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks
went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the
cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He
asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'!"
sobbed the head monk.
Courtesy of IHJ (Sam) Bosauder from New
Zealand
Writer unknown, thought you might find
it of interest.
" IMPORTANT RECALL NOTICE!
The maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of
make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central
component---the HEART. This is due to a malfunction in the
original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction
of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has been
technically termed "Subsequential Internal Non-morality," or commonly
known as S-I-N, as it is primarily symptomized by loss of moral judgment.
Some other smyptoms include:
(a) Loss of direction
(b) Foul vocal emissions
(c) Amnesia of origin
(d) Lack of peace and joy
(e) Selfish, or violent behavior
(f) Depression or confusion in the mental component
(g) Fearfulness
(h) Idolatry
The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect
is providing factory authorized repair and service, free of charge to
correct this SIN defect.
The number to call for the recall station in your area is:
P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN by pressing
R-E-P-E-N-T-A-N-C-E.
Next, download J-E-S-U-S into the heart.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, the JESUS repair will
replace it with:
(a) Love
(b) Joy
(c) Peace
(d) Longsuffering
(e) Gentleness
(f) Goodness
(g) Faith
(h) Meekness
(i) Temperance (self-control)
Please see operating manual, the HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the
use of these fixes. WARNING: Continuing to operate the human
unit without correction will void the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the
owner to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human
unit being Permanently impounded. For free emergency service,
call on J-E-S-U-S. DANGER: The human units not receiving
this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace.
Authorized by: The Creator."
Yours in His Loving Grace
IHJ (Sam) Bosauder
Bosauder Computer Consulting
PO Box 38 289 Howick New Zealand
Telephone 64 (9) 5341 586
e-mail bosauder@lowcom.co.nz
Web Site http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~lowcomb
courtesy of a Lebanese friend:
Just imagine,
********A policeman spots a woman driving and
knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts with anger out
the window "Pull over!" ---------"No, No" she
shouts back "It's a pair of socks !"
Abou el-Abed
Abou el-Abed went to Paris and opened a store
that he called:
"Magazin Abou el-Abed pour les jolies voitures"
A friend of his dropps by one day and asks:
Ya Abou L@abed, shou l'ossah? Keef baddak ya@rfo hal @alam shou @am tbee@?
Walaw ka zalameh, ley? Shou ma ba'a tfham le Francais?
mbalah ya Abou L@abed. walaw lakan!(Magazin Abou el-Abed) hayneh ma heik?
mbalah bass shou hay "Jolies voitures"?
Wlik roo' @alaye shi shway!
Jolies --> Houlwayat
Voitures --> @arabieh
The following is Nabil Matar, Houston, Texas, USA
3 Friends
Three friends, two straight guys and a gay
guy, and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and
swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing
before St. Peter.
First came one of the straight guys and his
wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money
too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."
Then came the second straight guy.
"Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved
to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"
The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and
whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."
Anniversary Gift
A young man wanted to get his beautiful wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a
cell phone. She is all excited -- she loves her phone. He shows her and explains
to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the wife goes shopping. Her phone
rings and it's her husband. "Hi hon," he says. "How do you
like your new phone?" She replies, "I just love it. It's so
small and your voice is clear as a bell. There's one thing I don't understand
though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the
husband. "How did you know I was at the Armani store?"
This is a true story of
correspondence that took place between a hotel guest and staff.
The hotel has a policy of giving free soap to all of its guests.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I
have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please
remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and
another 3 in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank You
Sam Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She
will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off.
I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your
Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which are my standing
instructions from the management.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
Dear Maid, - - - I hope you are my regular maid,
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little
bars of soap. when I got back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3
little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
bath size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf.
They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
Sam Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are
instructed by the management. I
took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap
dish where your Dial was. I put the
Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.
I did not remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when
you checked in last Monday. Please
let me know if I can be of further assistance.
Your regular maid, Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder informed me this A.M. that you called him
last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past
inconvenience. Call extension #1108
between 8 am and 5 pm.
Thank You.
Elain Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Ms Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at
7:45 am and don't get back before 5:30 pm.
That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder lat night - you were already off
duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if
he could do anything about those little bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in
today, since she left another 3 bars on of the hotel soap in my medicine cabinet
along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why
are you doing this to me?
Sam Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and
remove the extra soaps. If I can be
of further assistance, please call extension -#I 108 between 8:00 am and 5:00
pm.
Thank You.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every
bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial.
I came in last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little
Cashmere Bouquets.
Sam Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since
our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for any inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Asst. Manager
Dear Ms.Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?
I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.
Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All
I want is my bath-size Dial. Please
give me back my bath-size Dial.
Sam Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them - - the 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays
you are supposed to receive daily. I
don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.
Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know that I had returned your soaps
so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.
I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial.
I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
Dear Ms. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:
On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 camays in 4 stacks of 4 and I stack of 2
On Kleenex dispenser - II Camays in 2 stacks of 4 and I stack of 3
On bedroom dresser - 7 Cashmere Bouquets in 1 stack of 3 and 1 stack of 4, 1
bath-sized Ivory and 8 Camays in 2 stacks of 4
Inside medicine cabinet-14 Camays in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2 In shower
soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist
On Northeast comer of tub - I Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used On Northwest
corner of tub - 6 Camay in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are nt
piled and dusted. Also, please
advise her that stacks of more than 4 have tendency to tip.
May I suggest that my bedroom window sill, which is not in u will make an
excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am
keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
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Submitted by Souheil Baaklini in Austin, Texas, USA
Actual answers to a sixth-grade exam.
1.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He
died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomom
had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we > wouldn’t have
history The Greeks also had myths. A
myth is a female moth.
5.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him.
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and
threw the java.
7.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they
thought he was going to be > made king.
Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
8.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
9.
Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success.
When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
10.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented removable type and the
Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood. Sir
Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir
Fransis Drake circumsized the world with a
100-foot clipper.
11.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much
money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,
and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s
last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great
author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died
and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbingtwo cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against
itself cannotstand.” Franklin died in
1790 and is still dead.
14.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands. Abraham
Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation. On
the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the
theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors
in a movingpicture show. They
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth’s career.
15.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up
in his attic. Bach died from
1750 to the present. Bach was the most
famous composer in the world and so
was Handel. Handel was half German half
Italian and half English.
He was very large.
16.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.
He was so deaf he wrote loud music.
He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped
reproducing by hand and started reproducing by
machine. The invention of the
steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring
up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred
men. Louis Pasteur discovered a
cure for rabbis.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio. And
Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Submitted by George Matar, Houston,
Texas
Hopefully you had a restful Labor Day weekend.
It was so hot this past week in Texas! How hot was it?
* It was so hot, we boiled eggs in the swimming pool
* It was so Hot, the dogs learned to use the bathroom to avoid going
outside
* It was so hot the air conditioning unit asked for a raise
I can go on but you got the message, Anyway here's a joke for you
* EX-LAX - THE COUGHING WONDER DRUG
John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he
was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer
wanted. Bob, the owner, had had enough and warned John that the next sale he
missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing. He asked John
for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough
syrup. Remembering his boss' warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told
him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamppost. Bob had seen the whole thing and
came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for
his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
So, I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take
it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax?!! That won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will!" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the
lamppost.
"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"
Submitted by George Matar, Texas, USA
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me
fly I canny button me pants. " "Oh Angus...I've got me hands in
the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. Macdonald could be helpin ya with
it" About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of
yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the
door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.
The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in
hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she
did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee
thread... Mr. Macdonald walked in...
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"You unfaithful little
chick...!"
Thank you Samia Chedid for the above art and for the following joke:
Meeting of the minds
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border. To
their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier
in a ditch along the road. A short distance up the road, they found a badly
mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still
barely alive. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked
him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to
the teeth. I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked
him right in the eye and shouted, "Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying
bastard!" He looked me right in the eye and shouted back,
"Bill Clinton is a morally bankrupt asshole!"
"We were standing there shaking hands, in the middle of the road,
when the truck hit us."
The following are courtesy of Elias Georges El Khouri,
Sao Paolo, Brazil
Where is God?
There were two
young brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever
went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it. Their
parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.
Hearing about a
rabbi nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her
husband that she would ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed.
The mother went
to the rabbi and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the
younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent the younger boy to the rabbi.
The rabbi sat
the boy down across his HUGE, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just
sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the
boy and asked, "Young man, where is God ?"
The boy looked
under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing.
Again, louder,
the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God ?"
Again, the boy
looked all around but said nothing.
A third time,
in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his
forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Young man, I ask you,
where is God ?"
The boy
panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him
upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their
mischief. He finally said, "We're in Bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."
The older boy
asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG trouble ?'"
His
brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG trouble. God is missing and
they think we did it !!!"
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Why
did the chicken cross the road ?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER : To get to the
other side.
PLATO : For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX : It was an historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it
take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN : This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON : Because it fucking wanted to. That's the fucking reason.
RONALD REAGAN : I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK : To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES : Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ARTHUR ANDERSEN CONSULTANT : Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was
threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly
competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the
client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen
helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and
experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support
of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen
Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens
along with Anderson consultants with deep in the transportation industry to
engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to Synergize with
each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the
continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like
setting, enabling and creating an environment which was strategically based,
industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message
and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was
conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN : The road, you see,
represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to
trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to
cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES : And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shall
cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much
rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross the road before you believe it ?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did
NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why ? The
end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road ? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever
think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around al over the
place, anyway ?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road
?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing ?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in
such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the
chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
COLONEL SANDERS: What I missed one ?
and here an updated version...
courtesy of Andre from Paris...
WHY
DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
GEORGE
W. BUSH:
We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if
the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or
it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
AL
GORE:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken
crossing the road represented the application of
these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to
bring greater services to the American
people.
RALPH
NADER:
The chicken’s habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted
by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did
not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other
side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels
of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT
BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent,
hard-working American.
RUSH
LIMBAUGH:
I don’t know why the chicken crossed the road, but I’ll bet it was getting
a government grant to cross the road, and
I’ll bet someone out there is already forming
a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road
syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of
this can real Americans take? Chickens
crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I
say tax dollars, I’m talking about your money, money
the government took from you to build roads
for chickens to cross.
JERRY
FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the
plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was
going to the “other side.” That’s what they
call it—the other side. Yes, my friends, that
chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you
will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like “the other side.”
DR.
SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken
crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
ERNEST
HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN
LUTHER KING, JR:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why
the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us
that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough for us.
>>BARBARA
WALTERS: Isn’t that intewesting? In a
few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time,
the heart-waming stowy of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went
on to accomplish its wife-wong dream of
crossing the woad.
JOHN
LENNON: Imagine all the chickens crossing
roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens
to cross the road.
KARL
MARX: It was a historical
inevitability.
SADDAM
HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of
rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE: I may not agree with what the
chicken did, but I will defend to the death
its right to do it.
CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no
chicken has gone before.
FOX
MULDER: You saw it cross the road with
your own eyes! How many more chickens have to
cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at
all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL
GATES: I have just released e-Chicken
2003, which will not only cross roads, but
also will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your
checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable
part of e-Chicken.
MARTHA
STEWART: No one called to warn me which
way that chicken was going. I had a standing
order at the farmer’s market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me
any insider information.
ALBERT
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross
the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL
CLINTON: I did not have sex with that
chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could
>you
define chicken, please?
THE
BIBLE: And God came down from the
heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou
shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was
much rejoicing.
FRANK
PERDUE: I missed a chicken?
Chemistry Humor
1. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One turns
to the other and says, "I
think I've lost my electron." The other
asks, "Are you sure?" "Yes," the first says, "I'm
positive."
2. A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a drink. When
it's served, he asks how much it will be. "For you," the bartender
answers, "no charge."
******************************
New elements in Periodic Table
Scientists have discovered 2 new elements for the periodic chart :
-Element : WOMAN
- Symbol : Wo
- Atomic Weight : 120 lbs (more or less)
- Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze
at any time. Melts when treated properly. Bitter if not used well.
- Chemical Properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver,
platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great
amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside a better
specimen. Ages rapidly.
- Usage : Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.
– Caution : Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
-Element : MAN
- Symbol : Xy
- Common Name(s) : Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
- Atomic Weight : 180 +/-100 lbs
- Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of
shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
- Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as
young, fresh samples.
- Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with
Kd ( element Kid ) for a prolonged period of time. Pretty basic.
- Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
- Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.
- Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to
smell.
The following is courtesy of Nabil Matar, Houston, Texas, USA
Subject: : Old is...
OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says,
"Let's go upstairs and make love, "and you answer, "Honey, I
can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends
compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe
catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care
where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are
cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a
little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today."
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting
lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all
nighter" means not getting up to pee!
Subject: Definition of an Engineer and a Manager
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts,
"Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes. You
are in
a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are
between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W.
longitude." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies
the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist,
"everything you
have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says,
"You must
be a manager." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did
you know?"
"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or
where you are
going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault!"
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Subject: How to make a marriage work...
These are cute answers from 6 through 10 years olds about marriage.
How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?
---------------------------------------
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you
try the next one." Kally, age 9
"You got to find somebody who likes the
same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Allan, age
10
"No person really decides before they
grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you
got to find out later who you're stuck with."
Kirsten, age 10
Concerning the Proper Age to Get
Married
----------------------------------------
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then!" Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at.... You
got to be a fool to get married!" Freddie, age 6
How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are
Married?
---------------------------------------------------
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other
people." Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on whether
they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in
Common?
---------------------------------------------------
"Both don't want no more
kids." Lori, age 8
What Do Most People do on a Date?
---------------------------------
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough." Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each
other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second
date." Martin, age 10
What the Children Would Do on a First Date
That Was Turning Sour
----------------------------------------------------------------
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day
I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the
dead columns." Craig, age 9
When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
--------------------------------
"When they're rich!" Pam, age
7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so
I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss
someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right
thing to do." Howard, age 8
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or
Married?
-------------------------------------------------------
"I don't know which is better, but I'll
tell you one thing ... I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to
be all grossed out!" Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but
not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9
"Single is better ... for the simple
reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get
married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come
over for some coffee and diaper- changing." Kirsten, age
10
What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple
About to Be Married?
---------------------------------------------------------------
"The first thing I'd say to them
is: 'Listen up, youngins ... I got something to say to you. Why
in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'" Craig, age
9
What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When
They Get Married?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"A man and a woman promise to go through
sickness and illness and diseases together." Marlon, age 10
How to Make a Marriage Work
----------------------------
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty
even if she looks like a truck!" Ricky, age 7
"If you want to last with your man, you
should wear a lot of sexy diamonds on it." Lori, age 8
Getting Married for a Second Time
---------------------------------
"Most men are brainless, so you might
have to try more than one to find a live one." Angie L., age 10
How Would the World Be Different if People
Didn't Get Married?
--------------------------------------------------------------
"There sure would be a lot of kids to
explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys
would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!"
Roberta, age 7
Thank you Nabil for your submissions.
To
Top of Page
Submitted by George Matar, for our Golf enthusiasts
Golfing
One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out
golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and
proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently through the thick
underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes
that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near
an old golf ball. Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey
Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's
the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you
can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
The following four jokes submitted by Elias Georges El Khouri,
San Paulo, Brazil
Don't underestimate Little
Old Ladies
A
little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding
a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she
wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the
bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished to
meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount involved. After
looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00 dollar bills which could
have amounted to $3 million, he called the presidents office and saw to it that
the old lady met with him.
The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the presidents office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people that
she did business with on a more personal level. The president then asked her how
she came into such a large amount of money "was it an
inheritance?" he asked.
"No", she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she
could have come into $3 million.
"I bet" she stated.
"You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?"
"No", she replied, "I bet on people".
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets different things with
people. All of a sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 am
tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured
that she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet.
He didn't see how he could loose. For the rest of the day he was very careful.
He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances, there was $25,000.00
at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure that
everything was okay. There was no difference, he looked the same as he always
had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 ,
humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how often do you get
handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With her
was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose of his being
there, she informed him that he was her lawyer, and that she always took him
along when there was a large amount of money involved.
"Well", she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this", he replied, "but I'm the
same as I have always been, only $25,000.00 richer!". The lady seemed to
accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president
thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to
bend over,
then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine. The president
then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", the president asked.
"Oh him,' she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this
morning
that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."
Bovine
Guide to Political Science
Feudalism
: you have two cows. Your
lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism
: you have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of
them, and sells you the milk.
Pure
socialism : you have two
cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's
cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much
milk as you need.
Pure
communism : you have two
cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and then you all share the
milk.
Russian
communism : you have two
cows. You have to take care of them but the government takes all the milk.
Pure
democracy : you have two
cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
Representative
democracy : you have two
cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
American
democracy : the
government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election,
the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures.
Capitalism
: you have two cows. You
sell one and buy a bull.
Hong
Kong capitalism : you
have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt-equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows
back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows
are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven
cows' milk back to the listed company.
Totalitarianism
: you have two cows. The
government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Anarchism
: you have two cows.
Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and
take the cows.
Dictatorship
: you have two cows. The
government takes both and shoots you.
Surrealism
: you have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
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The haircut
A priest
goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much
he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the
cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house." The priest
says "Thank you very much" and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold
coins.
A few
days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time
comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader,
a man of the people, it's on the house." The next day, magically
appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The
following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber
says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money
from you, go in peace." And the next day, magically appearing on the
doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.
THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL
HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU HAVE:
-
AN AMERICAN SALARY
-
A BRITISH HOME
-
CHINESE FOOD
-
A GERMAN CAR AND
-
A LATIN WIFE
HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE:
-
AN AMERICAN CAR
-
A BRITISH WIFE
-
A CHINESE HOME
-
GERMAN FOOD AND
-
A LATIN SALARY
Webmaster's note: The above is from a Brazilian perspective.
Other countries
may have their own versions of the above values.
Submitted by Nabil Matar, Texas, USA
I don't know if you ever heard an Aggie joke.
An Aggie is a Texas A&M University student.
Subject: flagpole
A group of Aggie engineers are given the
assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole
with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off ladders, dropping the
tape measure the whole thing is a mess.
A draftsman comes along and sees what
they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it
flat, measures it end to end, gives the measurement to one of the engineers, and
walks away. After the draftsman has gone, one engineer
turns to another, laughs and says, "Isn't that just like a draftsman? We're
looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
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Top of Page
COURT REPORTING
These are things people actually said in
court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had
the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How old is your son, the one living with
you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: What was the first thing your husband said
to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: And where was the location of the
accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant,
were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how
old is he?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: You say the stairs went down to the
basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: How was your first marriage
terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
A: Oral.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
Our first contribution is from no other than our beloved Al Mukhtaar Bil
Mahjar, George Matar:
Did he tell you on how HOT it got in Texas??!!
IT'S SO HOT IN TEXAS THAT...
1. The birds have to use pot holders to pull
worms out of the ground.
2. The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to
pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
3. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.
4. The cows are giving evaporated milk.
5. The trees are whistling for the dogs.
6. A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz
I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."
7. A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A
rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the
Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied,
"Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher
puffed up, "we got about two and a half inches of that."
8. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
9. You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
10. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
11. You can make instant sun tea.
12. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
13. When the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
14. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
15. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
16. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
17. It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on
the streets.
18. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
19. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
20. No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air
conditioning.
21. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
22. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
