Courtesy of Andre K

This is my new neighbor:

She's single...   She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...   I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Great! So, can you watch my dog?"

 Being a senior citizen sucks!



All  drugs   have   two   names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.  

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.  

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.  

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..  
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.  

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.  

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.  

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world


Courtesy of A. Heatley

Marriage Humor 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- 
Wife:         'What are you doing?'   
Husband:  Nothing. 
Wife:         'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' 
Husband:   'I was looking for the expiration date.'   
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- 
Wife:        'Do you want dinner?'   
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'   
Wife:        'Yes or no.'       
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- 
Wife:        'You always carry my photo in your wallet.  Why?' 
Husband: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'   
Wife:        'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?' 
Husband: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'   
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- 
Son:  'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'   
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'   
Son:  'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'   
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- 
A newly married man asked his wife: 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'   
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- 
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. 
The guy replies:        'Thanks for the early warning.' 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- 
A wife asked her husband:
'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'   

He looked at her from head to toe and replied:
'I like your sense of humor!'   

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----- 
Husbands are husbands 
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan. 
'What was that for?' the man asked. 
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. 
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' 
The wife apologized and went on with the housework. 

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. 
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. 
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned' 



Woman has Man  in it;  Mrs. has Mr. in it;  Female has Male  in it; 
She has He  in it;  Madam has Adam in it; Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now.... 

I never looked at it this way before: 

Ever notice how all of woman's problems start with MEN? 

MENtal illnessMENstrual crampsMENtal breakdown;  MENopause;  GUYnecologist 

AND When we have REAL trouble, it's a..HISterectomy. 

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day. 
Send this to all the men just to annoy them.... 

Remember You Don't Stop Laughing Because You Grow Old, You Grow Old Because You Stop Laughing


Courtesy of Andre K

NO ! that is NOT how Pia & I met, or how the family came to be...


A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'  

father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.  There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:  

Scroll down...You'll love this 










'You got Male!

FW: The FDA is pondering

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called lbuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, lbepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.  It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails", highballs and a good old‑fashioned "stiff drink". 

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of MOUNT & Do.       

Thought for the day:  There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.                                                                                                 


Courtesy of John K

The Vasectomy...
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.  Before the procedure the nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.  When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table.  The man obeys.  The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.  The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasec is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masturbating.  Curious, the man asks "What are they doing in there?"

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross and they have Obama Care."


Male Strippers

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us,

my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.

She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,

and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,

my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill.

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately,

she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!

Now everyone's attention is focused on me,

and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card,

swiped it down the crack of his butt,

Grabbed the eighty bucks,

and left!!!!

"Good Old Red Hat Girls"


When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!! XO, Yvnne

Courtesy of S B.



GIRL: I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me..
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .. Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.



courtesy of Nabil M

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the  night.  They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling.  We come in peace.  Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.  Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's  haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling.  We come in peace.  Do not ignore us this way!  Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that!  I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,'  replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed.  When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me!  How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'


The risk of sending a woman to the hardware store...

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Mary asked, "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

"No, but I will for the faucet."

... and this is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.



A Child's Prayer...

"Dear God, this year please send clothes
for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer,



فساد × فساد

سأل طفل والده : ما معنى الفساد السياسي
فأجابه : لن أخبرك يا بني لانه صعب عليك في هذا السن ،لكن دعني أقرب لك الموضوع

انا اصرف على البيت لذلك فلنطلق علي اسم الرأسمالية
و امك تنظم شؤون البيت لذلك سنطلق عليها اسم الحكومة
و انت تحت تصرفها لذلك فسنطلق عليك اسم الشعب
و اخوك الصغير هو املنا فسنطلق عليه اسم المستقبل
اما الخادمة التي عندنا فهي تعيش من ورائنا فسنطلق عليها اسم القوى الكادحة

اذهب يا بني وفكر عساك تصل الى نتيجة
و في الليل لم يستطع الطفل ان ينام .. فنهض من نومه قلقآ
و سمع صوت أخيه الصغير يبكي فذهب اليه فوجده بل حفاضته
ذهب ليخبر امه فوجدها غارقة في نوم عميق ولم تستيقظ ، و تعجب أن والده ليس نائما بجوارها

فذهب باحثآ عن أبيه
فنظر من ثقب الباب الى غرفة الخادمة فوجد أبوه معها و في اليوم التالي

قال الولد لابيه : لقد عرفت يا أبي معنى الفساد السياسي
فقال الوالد: وماذا عرفت
قال الولد : عندما تلهو الرأسمالية بالقوى الكادحة وتكون الحكومة نائمة

في سبات عميق يصبح الشعب قلقا تائها مهملاً تماماً و يصبح المستقبل غارقا في القذارة




Ethical Dilemma...

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. A sick old lady needing to go to the hospital who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you
continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.

BELIEVE THIS...................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.


He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


There are those who may disagree and argue that the correct answer is...

... to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery,

have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car,

then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

God, I just love happy endings!


Veil Rewards

شيخ  قاعد ينصح مجموعه بنات بالحجاب وفضائله على المرأة

  بعد ماخلص  الدرس الديني

  قالت بنت: يا شيخ انا اقتنعت بكلامك وراح ارتدي الحجاب والنقاب

 قالها:  الله ينور عليكي ده مفتاح الجنه

 ,,,,,قالت بنت ثانيه: بس انا يا شيخ ما اقتنعت بكلامك وراح اخرج بالشورت!

 قالها: الله ينور عليكي  ده مفتاح شقتي

Teaching Little Johnny Good Manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.  What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.  I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

 The teacher fainted...


Forgetful Pilot...

After an airliner encounters a particularly rough patch of turbulence, the captain comes on the intercom to reassure the passengers that everything is okay and that the flight should be smooth the rest of the way.
He forgets to turn off the intercom, however, and everyone in the passenger cabin hears his subsequent comment to the co-pilot: 'Boy, I sure could use a blow job and a cup of coffee right about now!' As a flight attendant frantically rushes up the aisle towards the cockpit to warn the captain that his microphone is open, a waggish passenger calls out after her, 'Don't forget the coffee!'



Courtesy of Nabil

Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa....half discovered, half wild, and naturally beautiful with fertile deltas

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America....well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash

Between 31 and 35 she is like India.... very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty

Between 36 and 40 she is like France....gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia....lost the war---haunted by past mistakes, reconstruction probable

Between 51 and 60 she is like Russia....very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away

Between 61 and 70 she is like Mongolia....with a glorious and conquering past, but alas, no future

After 70.... She becomes Afghanistan.... Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there


Geography of a Man

Between 15 and 70 a man is like a country .......Ruled by a...    Dictator .....    d - i - c - k !


Poor Michael

Michael works hard at the plant and spends most evening bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Michael! How ya doin?"  His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Michael. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Michael if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"  "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Michael, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Michael. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Michael's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Michael follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Michael tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says: "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Michael".


This will be my last e-mail.  Things have been a bit tough lately and life is getting shorter and shorter every day.

So I am going to quit e-mailing jokes and travel full time with a biker gang to see the country. But don't worry about me - they all seem like nice people.  click here to see my new gang... 




 Compare this  Sample 1 and  Sample 2 

Good luck!


THE COP (Policeman)

Here was a city cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike" the cop said Did Santa bring it to you?

"Yep" the little boy said, "He sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next time tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young boy looked up at the cop and said "nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"He sure did" chuckled the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top"

Courtesy of Andre, Paris

With a great deal of concern for airport safety, there are new screening methods being implemented.  Here is one of the voluntary measures:
Just move your mouse cursor over the picture to activate.  Enjoy



1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.


The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.


Courtesy of Habib S. via Nabil

At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service."  The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service

And I became confused about the word "service."  This is not what I thought "service" meant.

One day, I heard two farmers talking; one said that he was having a bull "service" a few of his cows.  Damn!! It all came into perspective! 

Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

Courtesy of Nabil, 

The Elephant & the Camel

An elephant asks a camel : " why are your breasts on your back ?"

" Well " says the camel , " I think it is a strange question from somebody who's dick is in his face"


"The true lover of knowledge naturally strives for truth, and is not content with common opinion, but soars with undimmed and unwearied passion till he grasps the essential nature of things."   Plato

After approximately 30 seconds you will start to see a waterfall in the background. 

And as Salim... asked:  What Waterfall ???!!!. Can't see nothing but the Twins !!


Fruits & veggies from around the world...


Courtesy of Andre

The New Exchange Student

It was the first day of school in America and a new foreign exchange student named Suki, the daughter of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade..

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' She saw a sea of blank faces,  except for Suki, "Patrick Henry, 1775." She said.
 "Very good!"

Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

 Again, no response except from Suki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863", said Suki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suki, who  is  new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

The teacher demanded, "Who said that?". Suki put her hand up. "Lee  Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suki jumps out of her chair waving her hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill  Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suki frantically yells at the top of her voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy  2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!" and Suki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."

Courtesy of George

The Clinton Legacy

After much arguing and deliberation, historians this week have come up with a phrase to describe the Clinton Era. It will be called:


<> <>   <

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta announced that Clinton has proven that you can get sex from Aides.

<> <>  

Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar." <> <> <

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress: "Presidue."  <> <>  <

Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges:  Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young. <> <> <

Did you know that Clinton had asked to change the Democratic emblem from a donkey to a condom? It represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed. <> <> <

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton.  All these women coming forward ,and not one is his sister! <> <> <

Finally, Hillary Clinton recently went to a fortuneteller who intoned, "Prepare to become widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death!" Hillary took a deep breath and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

Courtesy of Nabil

baddate.jpg (27326 bytes) clapper.jpg (26677 bytes) yikes.jpg (23828 bytes) waterski.jpg (14674 bytes)
Enron Emp Leaving Houston.JPG (111387 bytes) nuttin.jpg (21363 bytes) sitdown.jpg (27647 bytes) thumb.jpg (24100 bytes)


Finally, a joke I can relate to.

 An Indian walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of
 Buffalo manure in the other. He says to the bartender "Me want beer."  The bartender says: "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall draft beer and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, and picks up  the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with a shotgun,
then  walks out.

Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and
another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the bar and says to the bartender: "Me want beer." The bartender says: "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What was that all about, anyway?"  

The Indian says, "Me in training for job as Government employee: drink beer,
shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."


Courtesy of ABBout

 Pull the Anchor, she is sinking…

 This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... true story (?)...

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

 The First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"

 The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's chlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

 The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner". She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcom powder "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue, "she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

 The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir. That'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

 The Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right. Go to sleep." "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."


 In 2001 five times more money was spent on breast implants and Viagra
than on Alzheimer's research. That means that in 30 years there will be
people walking around with huge breasts and erections--but they won't
remember what to do with them. >>

Courtesy of George:

 A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class  "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"  
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said,  "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"   With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"  Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"  Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,  "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of  the eye."

 Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind, 
(2) you didn't read your homework, and 
(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."


Subject:            Vaseline

 A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.  He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.  Have you ever used the product?"  She said, "Yes.  My husband and I use it all the time."  "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"  "We use it for sex."  The researcher was a little taken aback.  He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.  But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.  I admire you for your honesty.  Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"  The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all.  My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."


 Perks for People Over 50:

 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Courtesy of Nabil

Finding the Bride

"Abu Abed got engaged to Abu Steif's sister..  realizing his sister is morbidly thin, the day of the wedding ceremony, started wrapping her with newspapers (warak jaridi) until she reached a good butt/tits/shoulders size...

After the wedding ceremony, the couple went to the hotel Abu Abed jumped to take the wedding dress off, and surprise!!!!!!!! he finds the warak jaridi all over her. He started unwrapping..unwrapping..and unwrapping.

Finally he got tired of unwrapping, he picked up the phone and called Abu Steif with an angry tone:  "ABU STEIF: Kiss ikhtak bi aya safha?"



This is one sharp teacher:

Lame Excuse

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "You can write with your other hand."

Subject: African Poem !!!!!

Dear white fella, couple things you should know... 
When I was born, I black
When I grow up, I black
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold , I black
When I scared, I black
When I sick ,I black
And when I die, I still black.

You, white fella,

When you born, you pink
when you grow up, you white
when you go in sun, you red
when you cold, you blue
when you scared, you yellow
when you sick, you green,
And when you die, you grey.

And you have the f----n nerve to call me colored ?

Courtesy of George:  Excerpts from Shweir Bulletin Board 

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Commentary: It did not make much of a difference to the girls’ father or the mom.



A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with tal*** powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Commentary: It did not make a difference for the boy friend, the wife, the husband, or Mrs. Smith


A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.
"Yes." the barman replied. So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
" How much money?" inquires the guy
"4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?
"The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

Commentary: It did not make a difference for the Bar owner or the bartender wife. The Bartender, could it be he’s a smart idiot?!?


Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush my love", she said.
“Rest, she said,"
"Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I..... I have
something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best
friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you"

Commentary: It did not make a difference for Jake, the sister, the best friend and her friend, and to the mother. As far as Becky is concern, well you know the story.


Author Topic:   True Lebanese
posted 05-15-2001 07:36 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for George Matar      Reply w/Quote
This was sent to me by My Niece's Beautiful daughter Maya Houshaimy in San Jose California: It is so Funny... A true translation of a Lebanese mini story.

That is excellent translation and will look very ackward for you that don't know the essence of the Lebanese Language....Enjoy:

(Writer Unknown)

From some 2 months 3, I recognized a girl in the Tooth of the Elephant.

She was other look and like the moon! Burn her religion what beautiful. I tried to touch her pulse to see if there is
space and it appeared that she is interested.

The first day I talked her on the phone and the second day she invited me on the lunch.

I asked her “what you kitchenized?”, she said “some of his mother’s yoghurt on the walking”. I liked her project and
before I arrived to her, I went to the Milker and bought some Lady’s Arms and some “Eat and Say Thank You”. She opened me
the door and when she saw the handsome in my hand she said: ”yiiiii! your hands be safe, why torture yourself my uncle?”.

While we are eating, rang the doorbell. She opened the door and entered her old boyfriend. He asked her “who is he?”, she
said “not your entry”.

I knew straight he wanted to problemize it.

He said “my eye on you and on him, I will count God not
create you!”. I said “look, my head does not carry me, break the evil before the gypsy milk goes up huh! Go pave the
sea and bleach from my face now!”

The man felt on his blood and left the room.

In the truth, he poisoned my body very much, but the girl gave breakfast to my nerves. She said “don’t carry worry, my
life, don’t carry worry, put your hands in cold water”.

I told her “like my foot, don’t get a mind, tell me, are you empty tonight?” she said “yes, I emptify myself for you”.
I told her “thank you my love, you are very digestable”.

IP: Logged

posted 05-15-2001 08:13 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for Carmen Moujaes      Reply w/Quote

May peace be on your mouth and your niece`s mouth, billibnané. It was really fun to read through . I got also a cute attachment which I will send to you.
Till later,


Author Topic:   True Italian
posted 05-15-2001 11:19 AM     Click Here to See the Profile for GhassanZghaib      Reply w/Quote
Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably oud loud

Here we go....

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfast.
I tella witress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss.
I tella her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigaa restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. she
say better no fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch.

So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheid onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet.
I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the mand and he calle me a sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.


Courtesy of Nabil

Subject: African Poem !!!!!

Dear white fella,couple things you should know... 

When I was born,I black 
When I grow up,I black 
When I go in sun,I black 
When I cold ,I black 
When I scared,I black
When I sick,I black 
And when I die,I still black. 

You,white fella, 
When you born,you pink 
when you grow up,you white 
when you go in sun,you red 
when you cold,you blue 
when you scared,you yellow 
when you sick,you green, 
And when you die,you grey. 
And you have the nerve to call me colored ?


You know you're a redneck when ...

(1) You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.  
(2) You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.  
(3) Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.  
(4) Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.  
(5) You burn your yard rather than mow it. 
(6) You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.  
(7) The Salvation Army declines your  mattress.  
(8) Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.  
(9) You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.  
(10) You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.  
(11) You come back from the dump with more than you took.  
(12) You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.  
(13) Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.  
(14) Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her  Christmas list. 
(15) You've been kicked out of the zoo for  heckling the monkeys.  
(16) You think subdivision is part of a math problem.  
(17) You've bathed with flea and tick soap.  
(18) You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.  
(19) Your kids take a siphon hose to show  and tell.  
(20) You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.  
(21) You took a fishing pole to Sea World.  
(22) You go to the stock car races and don't  need a program.  
(23) You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.  
(24) You have a rag for a gas cap.  
(25) You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.  
(26) Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.  
(27) Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.  
(28) You can spit without opening your mouth.  
(29) You consider your license plate personalized because your father  made it.  
(30) Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.  
(31) You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.  
(32) You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.  
(33) The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.  
(34) Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.  
(35) You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.  
(36) You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.  
(37) You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.  
(38) Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.  
(39) A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.  
(40) You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.  
(41) You've asked the Preacher "How's it hangin'.?"  
(42) You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.  
(43) You think fast food is hitting a deer at  65 mph.  
(44) Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.  


A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."   She heard her little darling continue... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.... 


For your safety,NM Seatbelt 2 Airbags.JPG (48360 bytes)                       

 you need to use a                 

seat belt & two air bags...> > >   

From Kids perspective:
Sillier and Dumber

A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's so he goes back to ask her why that is so.  She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.  She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." 

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.  Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:  Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.


Tarzan & Sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how hehad sex.  "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.  Jane explained to him what sex was.  Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree".  Horrified she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly".

She took off her clothes and laid down on the ground. "Here," she said, "you must put it here."  Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick in the crotch.  Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and asked, "What did you d that for?"

"Tarzan check for bees."


 Well, I am actually a . . .

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.  "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." 

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.  "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.  "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Top ten slogans being considered by Viagra.

10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzz Up!" 
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, Tastes great! ........., more filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. Viagra, This is your penis..... this is your penis on drugs.

This will touch your heart...                                     A plan to adopt an orphaned twins

--------------------- Forwarded by Hans Ter Heege/elliott on 03/08/2001 10:40 AM ---------------------------  
Jeremy Valero 
03/08/2001 10:11 AM 
To: Hans Ter Heege/elliott@elliott 
  A plan to adopt orphaned twins
Subject: Out of character !!

My wife I have become aware of two orphaned twins, from the war in Bosnia. Although I know that you all realize that it is out of character for me, we have been thinking about adopting them.  After much soul searching we have come to the realization, that we are too old for that for their sake. At the same time we want to do the good thing for the twins. One idea was to ask for financial help from "all" of our friends. The numbers were too small. At long last we have come up with an idea that will work, but only with the sacrifice of about 10-12 good couples out in the good old USA. We will bring the twins to the States, and pass them from one locale to another, every month. No one will be tied down for any length of time, and no one will be hurt too deeply in the pocket. So - if you are interested in this project - let us know ASAP. I have forwarded a pic of the cute little things. I know your heart will be touched, as ours has been.  

(Is there tears in your eyes by now...where is the Kleenex box?)

Click here to view a picture of the Orphaned Twins   

Courtesy of Janice:

Subject: Love story

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.  Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.  "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.  Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.   
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. 
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. 
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. 
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."  


Courtesy of Nabil 

Code to Honeymoons  

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL HOUSE COFFEE". Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House Coffee advertisement, and it says:  "Satisfaction to the last drop....". So Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". And Mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.


Testicles of 
Famous People
NM Testicles Famous People.JPG (89000 bytes)



Courtesy of the Internet...


A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us." 


Cheating Mates

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"


Rescue attempt

On the first day the Indian asked the cowboy, "Cowboy! What will your first wish be?" The cowboy replied, "I need to see my horse."

The cowboy was allowed to see his horse. He whispered in the horse's ear and the horse ran off. A while later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde in the saddle. The Indian asked no questions... "Just go on your way." he told the blonde.

On the second day, the cowboy was allowed to make his second wish. Again, the cowboy said, "I need to see my horse". The cowboy whispered in the horse's ear again. The horse ran off, only to come back this time with a beautiful brunette. The Indian said, "Just go on your way."

On the third and final day, the cowboy was told, "This is it, your last day and your final wish. What's it going to be?" The cowboy said, "I need to see my horse."

The Indian said "Fine." and brings the horse to the cowboy. The cowboy grabs the horse by the ears, look dead in his eyes and said, "Look you stupid horse, read my lips! I said 'bring me a Posse!'"


Bike & Cycle

A girl goes to the local dance and a boy comes over and asks if she would dance with him. She says, "Okay!"

They dance awhile and then he asks, "Can I take you home?"

"Okay," she says, "but there will be no funny business. I am on my menstrual cycle this week."

"That's okay," he says, "I'll follow you on my mountain bike."


Visual Love

The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp. "When I tell you I love you," he asked, "why do you always lower your eyes?"

"To see if it's true," she answered shyly.


Too much coffee

There must be another solution. Tell you what - put the gun down, we'll make some coffee and we'll talk it over.' So, we talked it over."

"Aha." said the doctor, unsure where all this was leading. "So, what exactly is the problem?"

"Well, the night after that, I came home and found her in bed with the same guy again! I was livid and flooded with despair. This time, I reached into the cupboard, pulled out the shotgun and put both ends on the barrel into my mouth. Just before I pulled the trigger, this guy comes back with, 'Listen. Don't do it! Don't pull the trigger! If you kill yourself, where will you be then? You'll be dead, and your wife and I can go on doing this whenever we please, not just when you're at work! Why don't we sit down with some coffee and we'll talk it over.' So, we made the coffee and talked it all over again!"

"Okay!" said the doctor. "I get the message. But if this other guy is so understanding and you've all 'talked it over' so many times, what is the bloody problem?"

"Well," said the man, "I was wondering, is all this coffee bad for my health?" 


Faster Service

A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, she notices that the three men are furiously masturbating!

She asks, "What the heck are you perverts doing?"

To which one of the men replied, "We berry ungry!"

She responds, "So, why are you whacking off?"

One of the three guys says, "Because menu say, first come first served!"


Praising Caesar

A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like woman for the evening."

The madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."

So, the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But, then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!" and his cock rises to a full 12 inches.

They have a great time, and after about five hours the madam is very impressed. "Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."

But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."


Just like a rabbit 

A traveling salesman once got caught up in a blizzard got shelter with a farmer who had three daughters. The farmer called him aside and told him, "Young man, I have three daughters, so stay in your room the whole night and no tricks, be warned."

In the morning, the salesman came down and the farmer asked him, "How was your night, young man?"

"Oh! Slept like a rabbit. Thanks for your hospitality; I will never forget it."

The farmer felt very happy and at the bar that night he mentioned this fact to his close friend. He was boasting what a good father he had been by keeping his daughters away from trouble.

His friend laughed aloud and said, "You fool! A rabbit does not sleep at night. It goes from hole to hole the whole night!"

The following is courtesy of Nabil from Texas, USA

Golf Injury

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.  Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.  She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.  "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.  

But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"  To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."


The Perfect Husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising.  Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Honey, It's me."
"Are you at the club?" 
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat ... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" 
"What's the price?" 
"Only $1,500" 
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it if you like it that much..." 
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..." 
"What price did he quote you?" 
"Only $60,000..." 
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." 
"Great! ... Before we hang up, something else..." 
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and ... I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?" 
"Only $450,000 ... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover it ..."  
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" 
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" 
"Bye ... I do too ..." 
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:  "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


The Zipper

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we men normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.  When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her.  

When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"  The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!!!  

Art Gallery

An exquisite painting entitled Home for Lunch was on display in a West Virginia art gallery.  It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench.  What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.  

Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion.  The artist asked, "Can I help you with this painting?"  One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"  "I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained.  "The three men are not African-Americans. They are West Virginia coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went Home for Lunch."

Difference between Potential and Reality

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then go ask your brother if he would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means.  He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."  Then he goes to his sister's room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod!! Definitely!!"  Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, "Hey bro, if someone gave you a million bucks, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His brother thinks about it and says, "For a million dollars, I suppose I would."

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on three million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts and a fag.


Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.  They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.  When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.  He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. 

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"  The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.   He writes a check and gives it to the manager.  The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."  "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."  "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.  

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."


Archaeology Humor

A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were: 

1. A Woman 2. A Donkey 3. A Shovel 4. A Fish and 5. A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 

1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem.  It was most likely a family oriented culture.

2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.

4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said.............  I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right.  In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads..........

Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman.


NM Clinton's Last Day.JPG (70840 bytes)

Clinton's Last Day - 21 Gun Salute


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Happy Halloween

The following is courtesy of George from Texas, USA

Subject: Salary Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor. 
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment and don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight. 
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
Your initiative is unpredictable, at times you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You are constantly throwing up before the job is completed. 
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed your work. 
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. 
You'll retire well before reaching 65. 
You're unable to work double shifts. 

And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management


The top 10 times in history when using the "F" word was appropriate:

10) "What the *%&# was that?" --Mayor of Hiroshima

9) "Where did all these *%&#ing Indians come from?" --Custer

8) "Any *%&#ing idiot could understand that!" --Einstein

7) "It does so *%&#ing look like her." --Picasso

6) "How the *%&# did you work that out?" --Pythagorus

5) "You want WHAT on the *%&#ing ceiling!?" --Michaelangelo

4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *%&#ing rain." --Joan of Arc

3) "Scattered *%&#ing showers?my ass!" --Noah

2) "I need this parade like a *%&#ing hole in my head! --JFK

1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *%&# is going to find out?" --Bill Clinton

The following is courtesy of Nabil, in Texas

Religious One-upmanship 

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing How important their children are.  
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a Priest.  When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'"  
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"  
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but MY son is a Cardinal.  Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'"  
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.  The first three women give her the subtle "Well .. . ?"  
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2," hard-bodied, Male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God . ."


When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.  
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.  
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.  Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.  So I decided I needed a girl with stability.  
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.  
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but direction-less. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. 
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious she divorced me and took everything I owned.  
I am now 40 and am looking for a girl with big tits.  

The following is courtesy of webmaster, author unkown.  

A Mismatched Pair of Gloves

Young man, John, wished to purchase a present for this sweetheart and after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves.  the sister purchased a pair of sexy panties for herself.  During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.  The gloves ended in the box that was given to the sister and the panties ended in the box to be sent to his sweetheart.  Without checking the package, John sealed the package and sent to her with this note:  

This is a gift to show you I have not forgotten your birthday.  I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening.  If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the sort ones that are very easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the ones she had been wearing for three weeks that were not too badly soiled.  I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart.  I wish I could put them on you for the first time.  No doubt other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.  
When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.  Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink.  I hope you will like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.  
With all my love, 

P.S.  Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.  Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing.

The following is courtesy of a Lebanese friend:

Fat Em El Abed

Abu El Abed (AA) was about to have sex with Em El Abed (EA) who became very fat. He climbed on top of her.

AA: bo’der otfeh ed-daw ya EA? (Can I turn the light off?) 
EA: leih ya AA? Shou btesteh7eh menneh? (why, are you bashful of me?)
AA: la’ ma besteh7e mennek, bass el-lamba rah7 teh7re’leh tizeh. (No, but the bulb is burning my ass!) 

Winning the lottery

In a message dated 6/20/00 5:32:01 AM Pacific Daylight Time, writes:

 A women gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" 

The husband says, "Oh my god! No shit? What should I pack, beach tuff or mountain stuff? She yells back, "It doesn't matter...just get the fuck out!" 

The following is courtesy of Webmaster 

George Takes up Golf

 My wife said to me - -  George, it is about time that you learn golf.  (You know. Golf - -  that’s the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women.

 So I went to see Jones and asked him if he would teach me how to play.  He said  - -  sure, you’ve got balls haven’t you?  I said yes  - -  sometimes on cold mornings they’re kinda hard to find.  Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow, he said, and we’ll tee off.  What’s tee off?  I asked.  He said it’s a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.  Not for me, I said, you can tee off there if you want to but I’ll tee off behind the barn somewhere.  No, no, he said, a tee is a little thing about the size of your finger.  Yeah, I got one of those.  Well he said, you stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it.  I asked, do you play golf sitting down?  I always thought you stood up and walked around.  You do, he said, you’re standing up when you put your ball on the tee. 

 Well, folks, I thought that that was stretching things a little too far, and I said so.

 He said, “you’ve got a bag, haven’t you?  Sure, I said; he said, your balls are in it, aren’t they?  Of course, I told him, what does he thing I am? Well, he said, can’t you open the bag and take one out?  I said, I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to.  He asked if I didn’t have a zipper on my bag, but I told him no, I’m the old fashioned type.

 Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club.  Well after fifty years I should have some sort of an idea, and told him so. He said, take your club in both hands  --  folks, I knew right then he didn’t know what he was talking about.  Then he said, you swing it over your left shoulder.  No, no, that’s not me, that’s my brother you he was talking about.  He asked me, how do you hold your club and before I thought I said, “ in my two fingers.”  He said that wasn’t right and got behind me and put both arms around and told me to bend over and he would show me how.  He couldn’t catch me there, because I didn’t spend four years in the navy for nothing.

 He said, you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar; I said I could well imagine.  Then he said, and when you’re on the green – What’s the green?  I asked.  That’s where the hold is.  Sure you’re not color-blind?  I asked.  No.  Then you take your putter.  What’s a putter?  That’s the smallest club made, he said.  That’s what I’ve got, it’s a sure enough putter.  And with it, he said, you put your ball in the hole.  I corrected him. You mean put the putter in the hole?  He said, No, the ball, the hole isn’t big enough for the ball and the putter both.  Well, I’ve seen holds big enough for a horse and a wagon.  Then he said, after you make the first hole, you go on to the next eighteen.

 He was not talking to me.  After two holes, I’m shot to hell.  You mean, he said, you can’t make eighteen holes in one day?  Hell, No.  It takes me eighteen days to make one hole; besides, how you know when you’re in the eighteenth hole?  He said “The flag will go up.”  THAT WOULD BE JUST MY LUCK, SO I QUIT. 

Wait, you can't just Quit, you should never, Never, NEVER Give Up....    
Click to enlarge 

The following is courtesy of George Matar, Texas, USA

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "  "Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. Macdonald could be helpin ya with it"  About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"  "Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. Macdonald walked in... 

The following is courtesy of Walid Ghosn, Texas

The following is courtesy of Nabil, Texas 

Subject: At 80??

There's an old couple, both in their 80's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met.  They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind the bar.  You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."  "Yes", she says, "I remember it well." "OK", he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?" "Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea", she answers. There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself.  He thinks, 'I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence.'

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the bar and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.  She's yelling for dear life. "Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips   This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.  The guy, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train.  I've got to ask him what his secret is.' As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret", the old man says, "except fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified".  

Amusing directional signs 

Another cute joke from Suheil in Texas

 French translations ...

When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.   At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle. "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years!  How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.  A huge hush fell over the table.  Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.  Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I  believe ze English pronounce zat word,    'h-aa-ppiness!'  

The following are courtesy of Elias, Sao Paolo, Brazil

The way to Heaven

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.  
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.  
"Oh, Sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."  "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.  
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."  "Did he now...," said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my Lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my Lock."  "Is that a fact...," said the old nun, even more evenly.  "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful but that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt good being saved."

"That son-of-a-bitch," muttered the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

Doctor's Exam

A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.  He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing ?"  "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."  "That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now ?" he asked.  "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."  "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now ?"  "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."      

 "Soap Dispenser"

 Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look," says the 2nd nun..."a soap dispenser."  To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. 

The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times.  Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells...  "Look, hand cream!"   

Firming Up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself  better and replied with silence. 

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."  This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother!"   

The ages of woman :

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virginal and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful,
and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn ?

The Ages of Man:

1.  Between 16 and 26 : Tri-weekly
2.  Between 27 and 46 : Try weekly
3.  Over 47 : Try weakly

National Condom Week



Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours.  You have been selected to receive this letter because the person who sent this to you either thinks you need good luck,he wants to send the curse of this letter to you or he just wants to get laid by you.(see below).   

- 0 people, your life will be a living hell  
- 1-3 people, your next relationship will be fun but won't last long   
- 4-6 people, someone will get a crush on you  
- 7-10 people, you will get a date for Friday night  
- 11-14 people, you will get a date for the next school dance   
- 15-18 people, your crush will ask for your number  
- 19-24 people, you will meet the person of your dreams   
- 25-29 people, your crush will ask you out  
- 30-34 people, your next relationship will last long and be good  
- 35-37 people, you will live long enough and have a good life and get lots of sex   

  Courtesy of Nabil, USA

This one fresh from London

Subject: Go Forth and Multiply

A young woman married and had 6 children. Her husband died.  She soon married again and had 7 more children.  Again, her husband died. 
She remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally passed on at the age of 75.

The funeral was predictably attended by hundreds. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."  In the final remarks of his eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally together."

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked... "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"  The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs"." 

Being Specific

A woman approached a Humsy and said to him: " I am going to ask you three questions, if you know the answer, I am going to give you a priceless gift. 

The Humsy said Ok ask me Ikhty. 
Q: There is some thing has two wheels and a person can ride it.
A: I know the answer, "A bicycle". 
She said Wrong answer: you did not specify, there is men's bicycle, women's bicycle, race bicycle etc.

The Humsy said OK, ask me the other question. 
Q: There is some thing has four wheels, has a staring wheel and people ride in it. 
A: I think this time I know the answer, "A car". 
She said Wrong answer: you did not specify, there is race car, big car, small car, red car, etc.

The Humsy got mad yet he calm down him self and said; OK, ask me the last question. 
Q: There is some thing has two wings, three wheels and fly. 
A: This time definitely I know the answer, "It is an air plane". 
She said wrong again, you did not specify. There is, war plane, private plane, jet plane. etc. 

At this time the Humsy lost it, and said to the woman." Now it is my term to ask you a question. 
Q: There is a hole, has hair around it and babies come out from it". 
The lady reply; this is an easy question. "It is the KISS". 
The Humsy said Wrong!!! you didn't specify, There is KISS IMMIK, KISS IKHTIC, KISS IKHT YALI GABIK, KISS IKHTK SHARMOOTA, ETC., ETC., ETC.

Courtesy of Janice, USA

Is that your monkey? 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and  while  he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.  The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and  eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole. 
 The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
 The guy says "No, what?"   "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." 
 He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then  leaves. 

 Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.  While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.  The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. 
"No, what?" replies the guy. 
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. 
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first." 

Courtesy of George, USA

Crazy Mike

Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Look, I've got three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and potent all night?"

The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings up a box labeled 'Viagra Extra Strength' containing single wrapped packets. He says, "Take one of these and you'll go crazy for 12 hours."  Crazy Mike replies, "Hell, gimme three"

The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and asks, "Well, how'd it go?" In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that's black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the pharmacist had ever seen.  Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?" 

Mike replies, "Hell, no, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up."

Courtesy of Elias, Brazil

Something to remind you of Europe....

 There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded :

 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

 One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere....

 The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman. 
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "ménage a trois"....
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman 
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming. 
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low. 
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside - Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut-whisky, but at least they know the  English aren't getting any...!!!! 

Courtesy of Nabil, USA

Subject: If men & women swapped genitals

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half. 
8. See if they could finally do the splits. 
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a Ping-Pong ball 20 feet. 
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch. 
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time. 
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first. 
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video. 
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...... 
    And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...........
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Top ten things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eye and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.  And the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis..... 
1. Repeat number 9.